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WHAT IS RESILIENCY?
Many of us have a fairly strong grasp of what resiliency looks like. Sometimes it is called "bouncing back" or the lesson to "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again". It's the concept that allows children to learn how to write their names, ride a bike or pass a driver's test. None of these things are easy the first time we try them but our ability to be resilient and persevere are the personality characteristics that carry us through. It may not be difficult to understand resiliency as a concept, but how do we teach our children how to get back up after life has knocked them down?
WHY BOTHER?
Some children face the more common stressors of divorce or illness. Other children are faced with catastrophes- disease, floods, hurricanes, tornados, poverty, etc. Whether such experiences crush or strengthen an individual child depends, in part, on his or her resilience.
Resilience is important because it is the human capacity to face, overcome and be strengthened by or even transformed by the adversities of life. Everyone faces adversities; no one is exempt. With resilience, children can triumph over trauma, without it, trauma (adversity) triumphs. Along with food and shelter, children need love and trust, hope and autonomy (sense of self). Important terms:
- Resiliency: universal capacity which allows a person… to prevent, minimize or overcome the damaging effects of adversity.
- Optimism: a stable belief that one will generally experience good outcomes in life. Believing things will work out for the best.
- Perceived competence: Our expectation that we can effectively interact with our environment. Believing we know what to do and can do what it takes to be successful. Both optimism and perceived competence are related to well-being, better coping with stress and more effective self-regulation, and as a result, greater resilience.
- Resiliency: universal capacity which allows a person… to prevent, minimize or overcome the damaging effects of adversity.
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SOURCE OF RESILIENCE IN CHILDREN
There are 3 main sources of resilience: I HAVE, I AM, I CAN. A resilient child does not need all of these features to be resilient, but one is not enough.
I HAVE
- people around me I trust and who love me, no matter what
- people who set limits for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble
- people who show me how to do things right by the way they do things
- people who want me to learn to do things on my own
- people who help me when I am sick, in danger or need to learn
I AM
- a person people can like and love
- glad to do nice things for others and show my concern
- respectful of myself and others
- willing to be responsible for what I do
- sure things will be all right
I CAN
- talk to others about things that frighten me or bother me
- find ways to solve problems that I face
- control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous
- figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to take action
- find someone to help me when I need it
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10 TIPS FOR RAISING RESILIENT CHILDREN
- Make Connections - Encourage your child to be a friend in order to get friends. Build a strong family network to support your child through his or her inevitable disappointments and hurts. Connecting with people provides social support and strengthens resilience.
- Help your child by having him or her help others - Children who may feel helpless can be empowered by helping others. Engage your child in volunteer work.
- Maintain a daily routine - Encourage your child to develop his or her own routines. This can be particularly helpful in helping your teen structure their time outside of school.
- Take a break - While it is important to stick to routines, endlessly worrying can be counter-productive. Teach your child how to focus on something besides what's worrying him, particularly if what is worrying him involves TV, a cell phone or the internet.
- Teach your child self-care - Make yourself a good example and teach your child the importance of making time to eat properly, exercise and rest. Make sure your child has time to have fun, and make sure that your child hasn't scheduled every moment of his or her life with no "down time" to relax. Caring for oneself and even having fun will help your child stay balanced and better able to deal with stressful times.
- Move toward your goals - Teach your child to set reasonable goals and then to move toward them one step at a time. Moving toward that goal - even if it's a tiny step - and receiving praise for doing so will focus your child on what he or she has accomplished rather than on what hasn't been accomplished, and can help build the resilience to move forward in the face of challenges. Acknowledge accomplishments on the way to larger goals.
- Nurture a positive self-view - Help your child remember ways that he or she has successfully handled hardships in the past and then help him understand that these past challenges help him build the strength to handle future challenges. Help your child learn to trust himself to solve problems and make appropriate decisions. Teach your child to see the humor in life and the ability to laugh at one's self.
- Keep things in perspective and maintain a hopeful outlook - Even when your child is facing very painful events, help him look at the situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Help him or her see that there is a future beyond the current situation and that the future can be good. An optimistic and positive outlook enables your child to see the good things in life and keep going even in the hardest times. Provide examples of other times in the past that they have managed difficult times.
- Look for opportunities for self-discovery - Tough times are often the times when children learn the most about themselves. Help your child take a look at how whatever he is facing can teach him "what he is made of." (and that what he is made of is great!)
- Accept that change is part of living - Change often can be scary for children and teens. Help your child see that change is part of life and new goals can replace goals that have become unattainable.
- Make Connections - Encourage your child to be a friend in order to get friends. Build a strong family network to support your child through his or her inevitable disappointments and hurts. Connecting with people provides social support and strengthens resilience.
